but I still miss you
but I still miss you
There are a lot of things I want to say to you, but can’t. Either because you won’t talk to me, or I am afraid to say it, and sometimes both. So I’m writing this letter with no intent to forward it to you.
The first thing I want you to know is that I love being your friend. I enjoy talking to you and I miss the times that I could snapchat you and have an answer within seconds. I miss you teasing me and making you laugh. Regardless of whatever is happening right now, I hope that when I come back you will still be there. Please, I don’t want to loose a friend.
The second thing I want you to know is that I didn’t tell anyone. I told E (a fatal mistake on my part) that I was interested. She told I. K figured it out on her own and told D and G. D told her roommates. At no point did I ask for E to coerce you, or ask you if you liked me. I didn’t want those things.
And I have to ask. I have to. Why did you do it? You were the one who stayed in my apartment until morning some nights. You were the one who leaned in. You were the one who pulled me closer. Did you feel like you had to? Did you feel like it was what I expected? I don’t want you to kiss me if you don’t mean it. If it isn’t about me. I want you to kiss me because you want to. And, oh, if now is the right time to say it, I wish you had kissed me more.
If you were ever unsure: I really do like you.
You said you didn’t want to make things complicated, but oh, you did! You kiss me, you leave and you slowly start to ignore me. What should I think? And you probably don’t understand but, when we were cuddled up on the couch I was happy. I felt comfortable. I felt…
I don’t know. But I know that it was something special to me.
It’s driving me crazy that I can’t talk to you. That I don’t know how you feel. I wish you weren’t so terrified of confrontation. Or maybe that I wasn’t leaving. Nothing would have been this way if I weren’t going. And it seems this is an exercise in not being able to have your cake and eat it too.
I wonder about what might have happened if I were here this semester. If there would be more hand holding. More kissing. More of you.
But I can’t wonder anymore because I am going to Scotland. I am going to meet my destiny, what ever it is.
If I come back and you think maybe you might still want me, I’ll still be yours.
thought I was over it.
i don’t understand the purpose of mixed signals.
I’m all black and white. I like you a lot. or I don’t like you at all. and I let you know.
why are you jerking me around like this?
you kiss me. you leave. you come back to say goodbye.
'see you in january'
or, you know, stop responding. start ignoring me.
what is it?
I feel I may pass out just from being so excited.
Royal Conservatoire here I come. I’m going to kick ass and take names. I’m going to do it. I’m going to be brilliant. Really.
I can. I can. I can.
hear me roar.